Part 15: Theatre of Failure Part Seven: Enter the Smoker

So, Sonny, what's this all about, anyway?

Let's just say you're going to repay me for all those times I took your shifts, Keith.

Come on, we're going to act in some stupid plays. It can't be that bad. Steve was never too stable to begin with, you know? How is he doing, anyway?

The doctors say he might someday eat again.

Hah! Good one, Sonny. You're a funny guy.

Yeah. Funny. I see you stopped dying your hair, at least. So you won't have to wear a wig.

Yeah, speaking of hair dye, whatever h-

Save it. We'll talk about that some other time. Dooley will be along in a few minutes, so get into character.

What is my character, anyway?

You're supposed to be a lazy screwup who does everything wrong. Should come naturally.

Ouch, Sonny. That hurts me. Deep in my soul. Well, if we've got a minute before he gets here I'm going to light up.

When did you take up smoking, anyway?

Right after I transferred to Homicide. Trust me, it helps to have something to do with your hands sometimes.

Here he comes. Put that out and try to look stupid. Stupider. He'll call us on stage in a second.

It's not really a stage, Sonny. Putting a curtain around a corner of the room doesn't turn it into...

Good morning, cadets! We have a special guest with us today.

Hello, everyone!

Not you, Officer Rufus.

Rufus?

Lieutenant Morgan will be assisting us today.

Hello, everyone. I got a bit curious what you all have been doing with Sonny every week.

Call him Officer Durant.

Ha ha ha. You got it, John. Alright, go ahead and get started, "Officer Durant"; don't let me disturb you.

Officer Rufus, would you mind picking up your copy of the script?



There is no way in hell I am touching that thing.

Don't like a taste of your own medicine, eh, Rufus? Well, you'll just have to ad lib, then.

So, we've handled a lot of the basics of uniformed patrol duty. We're going to talk about some more advanced topics now, using the Narcotics division as an example.

That's what I like to hear!

It's your first day after your transfer. What should you remember to do?



That's right. Uniforms are designed to make it obvious to everyone that you're a police officer. Generally, we want the public to know who we are, but there are certain occasions where investigations must be made in secret, and wearing a bright blue uniform is not entirely secretive.

Today's scenario: you're working a big case and you've just put some lousy scumbag in jail, but now you need to make sure he stays there. Time is of the essence. What do you do?



Man, I'd like to break off a piece of that... oh! Right. I'm going to go look through all these files, I guess.



Oh, wow. Jackpot! Look at this guy.





You think that's freaky? I worked a case once where the guy liked to spell things out with his victims' fin-

SO, let's get back to that investigation, shall we? What next, Officer Rufus?

I'm not giving up on these files that easily. Take a look at this one:





Wild! I think I ran into that guy once during a raid on a dopehouse when I was in uniform. I called him Leroy Brown and he spat in my face and broke my right arm with a tire iron. Good times, man. You should have been there.

(What are you doing?)

(Ad libbing!)





I remember her, too. She was such a naughty nanny.

Can we please get on with the scene, Officer Rufus?

No, wait, there's another one of these.




Do you Narcotics guys keep any of your non-crazy files in the office, man?

Armed robbery is not a laughing matter.

Cut the guy some slack, Sonny. He's supposed to act like an idiot.

I think I'm just going to take a little walk around the station. Stimulate the old brain cells. Hey, what's all this?



Nice, man. That's really touching until you realize it's going to get erased next time Dooley wants to write down how bad drugs are. Again. We get it, Sarge! Drugs are really bad!

...

Let's... let's just switch to the live camera feed from outside.



Well, I've got the file on this guy. That ought to be enough to keep him in. I mean, come on, that tattoo all by itself is a major offense.



Let's roll!

...



Now, even if you're riding an unmarked car, it's still an official police vehicle, and you need to treat it with the same care and respect th-

Oh, man, I see how you did this. This little gizmo hooks into the tire right here and makes it let out some air.

Officer Rufus, I don't think you quite understand the point of all this.

No, it's cool. No problem, there's a pump right here, I'll fix this back up.

I really needed a laugh like this after the day I've had, let me tell you.



It's been a while since I've seen Judge Palmer. I wonder if she remembers me. Let's go say hello!






You can't just barge into a court of law like a bar. You have to observe the proper rules of etiquette. At the very least you have to talk to the clerk first. Make sure to say it's an emergency if it is; otherwise you'll just get the run-around.

I get it! A bar! Like with lawyers! You crack me up, Sonny.

Durant!

Whatever, man, we all know who he is.



Really? What a drag. Well, we all lose one sometimes.



Have everything in hand before you go into court. You don't want to be fumbling around on the stand trying to get your evidence together, and if you don't manage to get it right someone you spent a lot of time locking up could go free. Or you might even end up with a contempt charge which, trust me, you do not want.




You bet I do, man. Oh, well! Back to the station!

Like the man said; even if you fail, you still have to soldier on. There are other bad guys out there, and maybe the one you thought you had the first time will slip up again. You can't always stop everything just because of one failure; the show must go on.



Hey, what does Hot Lips over there want to talk about?

You'll have to find that out next week. We're done here.

Thanks for inviting me, John. I'm definitely coming back next week.

I didn't invite you. You barged into my office and told me you were coming and that if I didn't like it I could...

Not in front of the cadets, John. Have a safe day, everyone! See you next week!